Reclaiming Ezer – Purpose

“Yes he is here.”

Those words seared through my heart and fear took over my body.

“Is he ok?”

“Yes, he will be…”

That was all I needed to hear at the moment. I figured out where my husband was and that he was alive.

I rushed to the hospital to find a pretty banged up guy who was just hit by a car while driving his motorcycle, but he was going to be alright.

Or so I thought…

It took my husband months to recover but I was just grateful he was still alive and with us. But I began to notice at some point after this that he began to detach from us. More time spent watching tv, doing chores, working on his motorcycles and less time engaging with his family.

This went on for years.

I remember looking over at him one night when I got in bed. He was asleep. All kinds of thoughts and feelings circled around in my head and heart. I wondered what was going on with him. Why the change?

I figured it must be the stress of his job. Regardless of the reason, I had children to take care of, and I set my focus on doing just that.

With or without him.

Many, many years later, after God’s transformational power working in my life, I was convicted of compensating for him and of taking control of both of our roles within the family. Because of the lies I told myself from my own childhood wounds, I believed I didn’t need anyone, and I could do it myself. So that’s what I did. However, I was just as guilty of not engaging as he was, and I missed out on an opportunity to be my husband’s ezer kenegdo.

In my previous blogs, Reclaiming Ezer and Reclaiming Ezer Kenegdo, (I want to encourage you to go back and read those if you have not already), we learned that God created us as an ezer kenegdo (the Hebrew words for helper suitable for him). We are a strong, rescuing kind of help to our husbands as we walk alongside of them. We are to serve with them.

However, if you also recall, some authors mentioned kenegdo as “opposite.”

“Kenegdo means to be opposite, counterpart, or alongside him.” – Jeffrey Curtis Poor, The True Meaning of Helpmate

It makes sense to me that if we are to serve with our husbands and to be the other half of the complete image of God (and our own relationship with God is good), then we will know when the other half is wavering or turning away from whom God has called us to be. Therefore, there may be times as ezer kenegdos that we must step in front of our husbands, opposite of them, to bring attention to behaviors that are working against the marriage, family and God.

We, as wives, become a mirror in our marriage.

Gary Thomas, in his book Sacred Marriage (2015), talks about this idea. “What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified and cleansed and to grow in godliness” (p. 86).

Skip Moen, in his book Guardian Angel (2023), has a perspective on who God created woman to be. “As ‘ezer kenegdo, she is both advocate and chastiser. She is perfectly suited to act as the intimate guide for a man to stay connected to the Lord. And she is perfectly opposed when her man is tempted to have his own way…When she is truly ‘ezer kenegdo, she protects her man as no other. She is his ultimate weapon against unrighteousness, even when that unrighteousness is found within him…She knows him better than anyone. She is part of him. She is his shield and guide. Therefore, she is perfectly equipped to deflect his excuses, see through his justifications and ignore his rationalizations in her effort to align him with his own perfect purpose” (p. 61-62).

When I looked at my husband sleeping that night, I knew something was wrong. I knew he was not doing well. I sensed it.

Most women have this intuitive ability to sense when something is off, especially with our husbands. We are built this way for a reason. For a purpose.

Moen goes on to say, “The popular idea of a woman’s intuition acknowledges that she is equipped with a certain sensitivity that eludes men. She plays a role that he cannot play, not simply in procreation but as the one who brings reinforcements, encouragement and sustenance…She is perfectly equipped to fulfill the purpose God had in mind. This is built into her” (p. 61).

I sensed that my husband was struggling with something, but I chose not to press in and engage. At the time I did not realize that I was in an unhealthy place as well. I wonder what the outcomes would have been if I, in a loving and honoring way, addressed the lack of engagement with him from a place of wellness, wholeness and strength?

I’ll never know that answer, but what I do know now, is that I have a significant role to play in my marriage. I was created to be a strong, rescuing help to my husband. To bless him. And sometimes, to stand in front of. But the only way I am able to be this type of strong help, is to first be strong in the Lord.

“Her connection to the Lord is precisely what equips her to accomplish the purpose of her existence – to bless her man” (Moen, p. 67).

I had to allow God to come into my life and heal all the wounds and lies I told myself, in order to not react to situations but instead respond in a Godly and honoring way.

I know many of you are probably asking, how do we respond in a God-honoring way if our husbands do not take into account our loving confrontation?

So many women believe, because of misguided cultural and “biblical” teaching, that if their husbands are sinning, they are to just suffer through it, to keep loving them, to forebear, to keep forgiving. This is not being an ezer kenegdo. It is enabling and it does not help our husbands in the long run.

“Marriage is supposed to make us better people. We’re supposed to help each other grow. I talked last week about how the way that we act in marriage can either point people to God or enable bad behavior, even if we’re not meaning to. I’d like to help us point people to God!

But what I fear often happens is that we end up enabling bad behavior because we have heard marriage advice that makes it sound like doing anything else is actually wrong or sinful.”

Sheila Gregoire (2020), Iron Sharpens Iron Series: It’s NOT a Sin to Confront Your Spouse

We are to be their advocates and champions, fighting for them to ultimately do the right thing, but ultimately knowing we are not their conscious nor the Holy Spirit, and they too have a choice to make. We can only stand up for what is right according to God’s Word and demonstrate in a Godly way how WE will not allow ourselves to be affected by their sin anymore.

Sometimes as a strong helper, it will require us to set boundaries for ourselves in order to change the dance. Lysa Terkeurst in her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes said, “drawing wise boundaries is me fighting for the relationship. It’s for their good and mine! Loosening my boundaries and enabling them to hurt the relationship and harm me isn’t helping them. I am not honoring Jesus when I give permission for the other person to act in ways that Jesus never would” (p. 49). I would encourage you to read Lysa’s book if boundaries is an area that you struggle with.

Still not convinced your voice is important?

Go with me for a moment.

God creates humankind. He places Adam in the Garden of Eden where Adam was commanded not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because if he did he would surely die. (Genesis 2:16-17). The very next verse (Genesis 2:18), God recognizes that it is not good for man to be alone, and that He will make an ezer kenegdo, a strong, rescuing type of help for him.

Why does God mention right after a command that it was not good for man to be alone? Will the animals help him not to eat from the tree? No.

Could it be that he needed someone similar to him, to help hold him accountable? To be someone to walk alongside him AND to stand in front if needed?

Don’t we ALL need that? We ALL need accountability. We ALL need someone to come alongside of us to encourage us, to sharpen us (“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17) , and yes to even correct us.

We ALL need community.

So what happens when one half of the equation is being told that their place is not to correct, rebuke or confront the other half? That it would be disrespectful or dishonoring?

They stay quiet. They don’t use their voice. They suffer in silence.

And our world looks like this:

1-in-4 highly religious U.S. marriages have intimate partner violence. (Life-Saving Divorce).

72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female (NCADV).

“Approximately two-thirds (64 percent) of Christian men admit they view pornography at least monthly” (The Gospel Coalition).

“Evangelical Protestants are more likely to be divorced than Americans who claim no religion” (Vancouver Sun).

Women are only 10% of the total incarcerated population (Prison Policy Initiative).

I wonder what our world would have been like if women had a voice from the beginning like God intended it?

Less domestic violence?

Less rapes?

Less divorce?

Maybe?

Adam recognized woman’s unique role from the moment she was made. She was not like any other animal that was paraded before him in Genesis 2:19-20 (the verses right after God decided man could not be alone). Because of this he names her ish-shah, “taken out of man (ish).”

“Adam recognizes her essential equality and unique similarity in his choice of word. The point is emphasized in the Hebrew text because ishshah is not a derivative of ish. Etymologically the two words are unrelated. Therefore, the word play is deliberate and intended to make the point that the two are uniquely equal.” (Moen, p. 50)

“She (woman) is his own identity now, released from within him, standing before him in support and confrontation. This is free will personified. Man can no longer do whatever he wishes. His freedom must be worked out within community” (Moen, 50).

Accountability.

Community.

Iron sharpens iron.

“Many of us are not acting as iron in our relationships. We aren’t strong. We aren’t powerful. We’re letting ourselves get pushed around. There’s no sharpening that’s happening, and our spouse is going to become less and less useful and less and less fruitful” (Gregoire, 2020).

We, as women, whether married or single, were designed to be a strong, rescuing help alongside and sometimes in front of men. To serve alongside each other, lifting each other up along the path that is fraught with danger. To use our God-given and unique character traits and gifts together, in unison with our husbands or for those single, with the community of Christ, to bring glory to God.

Beautiful, uniquely-made women, you were made for so much more than our culture, church and world want you to believe.

We were made for more, but it has always been and will continue to be a battle. Why?

The Fall.

And that will be the discussion for next time. I hope you will join me. Click here to read it.

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I would like to caution those of you in physically violent relationships when it comes to confrontation. If you are in danger or feel unsafe, please contact the Domestic Violent Hotline (USA) at 800-799-7233.