Reclaiming Ezer – The Fall

Cinderella was chosen by Prince Charming and lived happily ever after.

Sleeping Beauty and Snow White were both awakened by a man’s kiss.

Ariel changed her life for Eric.

And Barbie had Ken.

Is it any wonder that our desire should be for our husbands?

From stories of princesses and love when I was young to reading romance novels in my teen and young adult life, my heart swelled with the desire to find true love. I just wanted a committed relationship with someone I could love for the rest of my life.

My first relationship that lasted longer than 4 months was with my husband. We met in college, and our relationship was fraught with breakups, red flags and confusion, but it was also filled with love, fun and friendship. So when he popped the question I was all in. This was what I was yearning for. To be loved. To be cherished. To be valued.

As the years passed, I noticed my passion and intimacy with my Savior began to dim. It was always there, but it was not quite like it was before. Life, kids and marriage began to take over and my focus became my family.

In the midst of a difficult time within my marriage, God began to show me that my children and my husband began to occupy more of my heart than Him. They had become my idol (click here to read my blog, Lip Service about this). Instead of focusing on my relationship and intimacy with my Savior, I was fixated on how to help my marriage and family.

To some extent, my own healing and wellbeing hung in the balance, waiting for my husband to be my rescuer. To be my prince upon the white horse. To kiss me awake. To change my trajectory. To change my life.

My desire was for my husband.

“Unto the woman, he said, “I will greatly multiply thy pain and thy conception; in pain thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

Genesis 3:16 (ASV)

I am going take you on a contemplative journey. One that requires an open mind and heart. But more importantly, do your own research and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Any time I delve into scripture, I want to always proceed with caution. There are parts of scripture that are obvious and parts that are not as clear.

Even Genesis 3:16 and the scripture surrounding the “Fall” comes with many interpretations. Many times you will hear “the fall” or “the curse” in reference to Genesis 3:1-19. I even used to say that God cursed us (humanity) for our disobedience, but I was wrong in that interpretation. If you look at scripture more closely, God uses the word “cursed” only to refer to the snake and the ground. For man and woman, He uses descriptive language to describe what will now happen as a result of their disobedience. It is the natural consequences of sin, not a curse from God. I don’t know about you, but there was a part of me that perceived God a little differently knowing that my Creator, the One who claimed He loved me, didn’t place a curse on me.

And just like the varying viewpoints of curse vs fall, there are other viewpoints as well regarding “your desire will be for your husband,” and many fall into two camps of thought: complementarianism and egalitarianism. I had never heard of these before until three years ago and I have grown up in the church. So I want to give you a little snippet of those two viewpoints before moving on because it will help you understand how two different groups can see one verse and interpret two different meanings.

On the website Christianity.com, Alyssa Roat wrote in her article What Are Complementarianism and Egalitarianism? What’s the Difference?:

“Complementarianism and egalitarianism are theological views on the relationship between men and women, especially in marriage and in ministry. Complementarianism stresses that although men and women are equal in personhood, they are created for different roles. Egalitarianism also agrees that men and women are equal in personhood but holds that there are no gender-based limitations on the roles of men and women.”

With that in mind, most conservative, complementarians gravitate towards the interpretation that comes from the translations that use the words “against” or “contrary to”. For example the ESV version says, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16, ESV). Which then leads to viewpoints like the one Jason Rouchie wrote about.

Rouchie wrote an article for Desiring God website called, ‘Her Desire Will Be for Her Husband’? What Genesis 3:16 Means For Marriage. In it he says, “Differing in some ways from the ESV, I translate Genesis 3:16 as follows: I will surely expand your pain and your pregnancy: in pain you will bear children, and against your husband will be your desire, but he should rule over you.”

One reason “against and contrary to” are believed to be accurate interpretations is because of the use of “desire” in the story of Cain.

Jordan Standridge’s article, Four Reasons Why Desire in Genesis 3:16 is About Intimacy Not Domination explains this interpretation:

“Genesis 4:7 records God’s conversation with Cain right before he is about to kill his brother, Abel. In it, he says the famous line, “…sin is crouching at the door, and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

This is the second occasion where this Hebrew word is used. There are only three occurrences in all of Scripture.

Over the years, it was determined that because of the proximity with Genesis 3:16, that this use of the word desire is of a similar nature. Therefore, since sin’s desire is to dominate Cain, or any human being, therefore God curses Eve with the desire to dominate her husband.”

Let’s imagine this viewpoint for a moment.

As women, we want to dominate and control men. Now add on the second piece to Genesis 3:16, “and he shall rule over you.” What we would end up with is a lot of butting of heads in relationships. Women would be more domineering and assertive, and the men would be doing the same. For sure the divorce rate would be way higher than it already is!

But that is not what I see happening to women in our world today. Now granted, there is a minority of women who might fit that description, but for the vast majority of women, they do not seek to dominate their spouses. In fact, I see quite the opposite. And even Wendy Alsup in her article, Her Desire Will Be For Her Husband says, “There certainly is a battle between the sexes as a result of the fall, but it is often one-sided.  For every controlling, manipulative, take-charge woman (who tends to be out there in front of us all), there are 5 pathetic doormats (hidden in the shadowy corners of life) waiting desperately for crumbs from porno guy’s table.” (Practical Theology for Women website)

Doormats? I’m not too sure about that but you get the idea.

Remember Cinderella? Ariel?

Just about every little girl grows up desiring a prince. Someone to sweep in and rescue her from the evil of the world. As we grow more mature, we may not see it that way, but if we are honest with ourselves, we still desire (long for) that person to “complete us.” Just ask every woman who has watched that scene from Jerry Maguire! “You complete me!” Our hearts melted in that moment, no?

So what’s wrong with this longing? This desire? Why is it considered a consequence of sin? And, if it is a consequence of sin then what did it look like before sin entered the picture? That is where we need to proceed. So hang with me.

Picture life in the Garden before partaking of the apple. Adam and Eve were living an abundant life together. Ruling over the animals together. Eating from the extravagant garden. Living their purposes out together (read my blog, Reclaiming Ezer – Purpose if you haven’t already).

For Eve, her relationship with God was number one. She relied on Him for EVERYTHING. Her desire was for her Lord. And according to Skip Moen in his book Guardian Angels, “Her connection to the Lord is precisely what equips her to accomplish the purpose of her existence – to bless her man” (pg 67). Her purpose was to not only bless Adam but to be a strong, rescuing type of help for him and to stand in opposition and accountability if he chose to stray away. She was like an emotional and spiritual relationship guide. Her intuitiveness and sensitivity in regards to relationships was her strength.

And then the door was opened to sin.

The bible does not tell us why Eve ate from the tree, but there are many theories out there. One theory is that Eve “chooses to take the fruit because she opts for her evaluation of what is best in the fulfillment of her role as ‘ezer kenegdo. She puts her choice ahead of God’s commandment” (Moen, pg. 85-86).

If this were accurate, then it would make sense that a natural consequence of her sin would be for her desire (longing), that was once for God, would now be placed on her husband. She would seek after his approval, his affection and his love over her relationship with God. Instead of seeking all of those things from God first, she looks for validation, worth and love from a man.

Her desire SHOULD BE for her God.  Instead, her desire/craving/longing is misplaced.  The curse is not that women want to dominate the men in their lives.  Women’s problem is that they worship the men in their lives and look to them for affirmation and provision emotionally and spiritually for things that God alone is supposed to provide.  Their problem is IDOLATRY. 

Wendy Alsup, Her Desire Will Be For Her Husband

In my blog, Lip Service, I talked about the realization I had that my husband and my family had become my idol. As a result, my focus became them. They were my priority, not my relationship with God. And because of that, my intimate relationship with my Savior diminished over time.

The idols of our hearts slowly, and sometimes subtly, keep us from the intimate relationship that God desires to have with us. A relationship that will bring us peace, serenity, joy and contentment regardless of what we may go through in life.

Stephanie Hylton, Lip Service

Here lies the difficulty we as women face. After the Fall, Eve’s purpose was still there! It never changed. She was still Ezer Kenegdo. We STILL have a purpose! However, now, because of sin, that purpose would be hindered and fraught with sorrow and difficulty.

Remember Skip Moen’s quote?

“Her connection to the Lord is precisely what equips her to accomplish the purpose of her existence – to bless her man.” (Skip Moen)

If our connection to the Lord is what equips us to fulfill our purpose, then our purpose is thwarted because of sin and our natural consequence of putting our husbands first before our Creator. That doesn’t mean this is the way it should be! Nor that God wants it this way! We still have to find a way to get back to our original purpose.

We can’t help our husbands by being their Ezer Kenegdos if our wounds, fears and desires get in the way. For example, in my blog Reclaiming Ezer – Purpose, I mentioned seeing the disengagement of my husband, but not being strong enough or healthy enough to engage him in a tough conversation. Why wasn’t I able to do that? Because of my fears and wounds!

So what did I do instead? I held onto my stronghold of “I don’t need anyone.” I began to just live life. I began to fulfill all those needs through my children. I began to cling to control. I did whatever I could to do it on my own. But as a result, my relationship with God suffered and I enabled my husband to continue in his sin. My purpose as an Ezer Kenegdo was thwarted. And Satan rejoiced.

It took a lot of healing and most importantly, surrender, to get back into alignment with my Lord. He patiently pulled back the layers like Eustace (as the dragon), in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (The Chronicles of Narnia series), exposing the lies and wounds to His healing touch. He has helped me to find my purpose, strength and voice again.

I am an Ezer Kenegdo.

Daughter of the King.

Beautiful daughters of Christ, God is calling you back to Him. He is standing there with open arms, waiting for your desire and longing to be turned to Him. To make Him number one, not him. And when we seek validation, love and worth in our identities in Christ, we become stronger and we can fulfill our Ezer Kenegdo purpose.

But, fulfilling that purpose may come at a cost. You see… there was the second half of the verse… “and he shall rule over you.” What does that look like? What does that mean? Let’s explore that together in my next blog, Reclaiming Ezer – Submission?

Until then, may you continue to give ALL of your heart to the only ONE who can fill it. HE is the Prince of our childhood dreams.

AND… He does rescue us.